Dear Mr Junker,
Please find attached the Article 50 paperwork as required by the Lisbon Treaty to give notice of the UK intention to leave the European Union.
We have added a couple of caveats to it as decreed by our House of Lords just so that you know where we are coming from.
In the event that you play hardball and do not give us a good deal on our exit, the British Parliament intends to veto the offer and so it might possibly be the case that the UK stays in the EU after all. We are sure this will cheer you up but not alter your view as to how the talks should progress.
If we manage to come away from our discussions over the next two years with a half decent deal for which we would be very grateful, we intend to make life very comfortable for your EU citizens and ensure that they stay in the UK. What you do with our citizens living in the EU is entirely up to you as our Lords have made it very clear that they do not give a damn about their welfare. We just hope that you would be reasonable with them.
Look forward to prostrating ourselves at your divine feet sometime in April and we all hope that you have a very Happy Easter.
The UK Government.
Ps. We have also taken the opportunity to add to our negotiating team democratic stalwarts of the Conservative Party, Ken Clarke, Anna Soubry and Nicky Morgan. They all strenuously voted to Remain in the EU you will be pleased to know but have all said how much they respect the will of the British people. We are sure that they will bring a degree of balance to our team and will be good shoulders for you to lean on if Mr. Davis becomes difficult.
By way of welcoming gifts for the new players in our team you might like to consider a very expensive handbag for Nicky, good old Ken is never more at home than with a good cigar and a quality malt. Anna is a little more difficult but always looks in urgent need of a quality hair stylist but we are sure that a man of your charm and intellectual wisdom will think of something.
In the meantime, JC, cheers from the UK.